Friday, May 23, 2008

Prince Sidney...?

Disclaimer: Soph and I know like nothing about Detroit and Pittsburgh as individual teams. We certainly don't like them, but since Pittsburgh beat the Flyers this year and have tremendous (and constantly shoved down our throat) superstar Sidney Crosby, we are forced to cheer for Detroit. It was in this frazzled state of mind, though, that I composed the following post. Once again, I turned to Disney to soothe life's troubles and mayhem ensued...

Setting: Joe Louis Arena prior to game one of the Stanley Cup Finals. The Red Wings are finishing up their morning skate so the Penguins can take the ice. Penguins players start coming out of the tunnel, blocking the Red Wings and forcing them to stay on the bench.

Darren McCarty: “Hey, what are those assclowns doing?”

Pavel Datsyuk: “Now, now, we just need to be patient, and we’ll have our turn. Share, Darren. You don’t want Mike Babcock to have to put you in time-out…”

McCarty: “Ah, get out of here with that gentlemanly crap, Little Miss Lady Byng. Who would want an award with 'Lady' in the name anyway, am I right?!”

Chris Chelios: “Right on. Pound it.” (They bump fists.)

Datsyuk (turning to cry on Zetterberg’s shoulder): “Why are they so mean to me? Is it because I’m so delicate? You know I can’t change that! It’s a genetic predisposition, okay, and it doesn’t make me less of a man!”

McCarty (yelling to the Penguins players who are making a formation on the ice though their coach is nowhere to be seen): “Hey! What are you assclowns doing, huh?”

Datsyuk (hissing; mortified): “Darren, please!”

Ryan Malone (skating by): “We’re just going to open your eyes and blow your mind, old man. Or should I say, old men.”

(Malone skates away laughing and Chelios makes a move to jump over the boards. Zetterberg lets out a womanly shriek and restrains him.)

Henrik Zetterberg: “Chelly, no! Your hips! Think of your old man hips!”

(Trumpet music blares from the sound system, startling the Red Wings.)

Nicklas Lidstrom: “What IS that crap? This is preposterous, a REAL team doesn’t practice like this! They shoot pucks until their arms break, skate until their legs fall off, and study film until their heads explode!”

Assorted Red Wings: “YEAH!”

Chelios (thinking back): “Whoa, whoa, Hatcher told me about these assholes… Seems they’re all Aladdin perverts, I don’t know. It’s how Malkin learned English or something…”

Pens players (shouting): “Make way for Prince Sidney!”

Marc-Andre Fleury: “Say ‘ouais!’ It’s Prince Sidney!”

(Sidney Crosby, beaming, emerges riding a zamboni as “Prince Ali” from Aladdin fills the background. The other players skate around like figure-skaters with the exception of Fleury, who has reverently fallen to his knees. The Red Wings players remain on their bench in total shock.)

Evgeni Malkin (taking center ice): “Hey, clear the way in this place—bizarre…” (to Red Wings) “Hey jerks, did you clowns really beat the Stars?” (laughs along with other Pens) “(Psh!) Come be the first at the Joe to meet his eyes! Make way, move you boys, flash red lights, make some noise, you’re gonna hate this guy! Prince Sidney, fabulous he, he’s our Captain. Genuflect, show some respect, kneel like Fleury! Now try your best to stay calm. Try not to swoon like all moms. And come and praise his spectacular Evgeni!” (hit by Ryan Malone) “(Ow!) Prince Sidney, mighty is he, though he lives with Lemieux—“

Chelios (singing along jokingly over Malkin): “Lips like women, who have collagen, definitely…”

Marian Hossa (springing up from behind the Pens bench): “Sid's cuter than that Cam Ward!”

Jarkko Rutuu (springing up from behind the Pens bench): “He'd look so hot on the fjords!”

Pascal Dupuis (springing up from behind the Pens bench): “Who kept the Flyers wanting more? Why, Prince Sidney!”

Jordan Staal (skating gracefully around Malkin): “He’s got seventy-two points this season!”

Malkin (nodding): “The Hart’s lovely in June…”

Staal (spinning around): “And in games played, he’s got fifty-three!”

Malkin: “Fabulous, Jordan, just like your brother!”

Staal: “When it comes to exotic on-ice moves, he’s just the best, so not a pest, he skates just like Wayne Gretzky!”

(Sidney beams from the zamboni and waves like Miss America.)

Staal and Malkin (in unison, doing some sort of pairs skating routine): “Prince Sidney, handsome is he--”

Chelios (shouting from the sidelines): “He looks like a girl!”

Staal and Malkin (scowling): “--That makes fifteen-year-old chicks weak in the knees. Well, look at his flowing hair.” (Brian Rafalski rubs his balding head and angrily pulls his helmet back on.) “Gear up to swoon and faint there! You wish you could see him bare, oh Prince Sidney! He’s got twenty-two other teammates--”

McCarty: “He’s got those monkeys! Let’s see the monkeys!”

Staal and Malkin (ignoring the jeers): “And to love him, he charges no fee!”

McCarty (rolling his eyes): “He’s generous.”

Chelios: “So generous.”

Staal and Malkin: “He’s got no home, just servants and fan girls--”

Chelios: “Who want to throttle him!”

Staal and Malkin (snapping to attention and glaring indignantly at the Red Wings bench): “They’re proud of him, love watching him, they’re just oozing with loyalty to Sidney! Prince Sidney! Prince Sidney, gorgeous is he, saved the Steel City!”

McCarty (taking over the song): “Heard your PRINCESS was a sight lovely to see! And that, you guys, is why, he got dolled up and dropped by!” (with other Red Wings) “With other assholes and creepers galore, with hair gel, lip gloss, clich├ęs and more, with his constant whining, he’s often lying, we want to punch his lights out! Make way for Prince Sidneeeeeey!”

A total melee then breaks out that has Sid complaining passionately to the Zamboni driver and Datsyuk weeping and clinging to Lidstrom’s leg in fear.


kristin said...

wow. you left me speechless again.

K-Mart said...

Pure gold. Please, don't stop.

Jess said...

I'm glad you guys enjoyed it! This lackluster Finals series would be so much more interesting with a little Aladdin, huh?

K-Mart said...

I think I would be extremely content for Detroit to shut Pittsburgh out in each game. How embarrassing would that be for them. Plus the Pens fans at Penn State would stfu.

Soph said...

K-mart, that would be the most embarrassing and fitting thing. Please make it happen, Red Wings.

Jess said...

Yeah, I agree, that would be fabulous. And then the Pens would finally lose at home too, something the Flyers unfortunately couldn't make happen.

K-Mart said...

2-0 Wings so far... :-)

Soph said...

Come on Red Wings, keep it up!

I'm going to need to wash my mouth out with soap after the Finals--I can't believe I'm cheering for Detroit...

K-Mart said...

I know. Although, there aren't very many, if any, players left over from that 96-97 team that beat us.

One more period...

Jess said...

Let's keep this going, Detroit! Ick, it does seem sacreligious to cheer for Detroit; I have long been bitter about them sweeping the Flyers, and I didn't even become a hockey fan until a few years later!

I wonder who is actually left from that '96-97 team... Lidstrom, Draper, Maltby, Holmstrom, McCarty...? I'm pretty much just thinking of guys who are fairly old!

PS- Does anyone else think they play some bizarre music in Detroit? Like "You Can Call Me Al" for example? Did I miss something?

K-Mart said...

Yea, I vaguely remember my dad telling me the Flyers were in the finals that year. But the first year I really watched hockey was the 2000-2001 season when we blew the 3-1 lead against the Devils. I hated Detroit then because they won 3 cups in like seven years, and I hated seeing the same team (that wasn't my team) in the finals over and over again. But now, I realize, I don't actually really hate anyone on the team anymore and I don't know why I root against them.

Soph said...

Yessss! The Red Wings are halfway there!!!

Although if that 33 prophecy-thing ends up being about the Penguins, I don't know what I'll do... (Knock on wood)

I normally don't like the Red Wings because they eliminated the Sharks when I just got into hockey. But I'd rather have them win it than Crosby.

Jess said...

K-Mart, I started watching hockey the same year! I grew up in a hockey-crazed house, but that playoff was so exciting that I couldn't help but join in! (And I can't lie, Simon Gagne lured me in a bit too, which is funny since I'm pretty indifferent to him now.) Detroit is consistently good, which is totally irritating when it's not your team of choice.

Soph, I was thinking the same thing! If I have to hear about Sid captaining the team to victory after goiing down 3-0, I'll be throwing up until next September!

K-Mart said...

I'm going to continue to ignore the fact that the 3-0 is a distinct possibility. I'm just going to focus on the fact that the Penguins are totally unprepared to face a team that is better than they are.

Soph said...

Jess, I was rereading this post, and I think a line should be ammended.

"The other players skate around like figure-skaters with the exception of Fleury, who has reverently fallen flat on his face."

Jess said...

HAHA! How prophetic that line turned out to be!