Tuesday, May 20, 2008

What helped the Flyers to their lone ECF victory...

If you're familiar with Margee's fantabulous "Fly on the Wall" segments, this is Slightly Saucy's equivalent to it, I guess. Before we had even discovered Margee's blog, we had our own hockey soap opera type thing we called "As the Ice Melts," and this story is kind of like the love child of the two.

Setting: Flyers locker room at the Wachovia Center, prior to game four of the ECF. This is what REALLY spurred them to their game four victory…

Marty Biron: “Okay, guys, we have to do something to get pumped up for today’s game. I mean, it’s do or die, am I right?”

Scottie Upshall: “Well, we can’t listen to ‘Father Figure’ again, since that did NOTHING for us in game three!” (He shoots a withering glare at Jim Dowd who pouts in the corner.)

Marty (still talking): “It’s win or go home! It’s now or never!”

Danny Briere (gently): “I think we get it, Marty.”

Marty: “I’m just trying to emphasize for the guys what this means. It’s our last chance!”

Randy Jones: “How ‘bout we listen to ‘I’d Really Like to See You Tonight.’ That’s what I usually try when I’m wooing the ladies.”

Joffrey Lupul and Mike Richards (exchanging a knowing glance): “Mmm-hmm… amateur.”

Mike Knuble: “I have a song idea!” (He turns on the CD player and “Working for the Weekend” starts to play.)

Jeff Carter: “Just because you look like a bum who would have to work weekends in order to make ends meet doesn’t mean the rest of us have to suffer.”

Derian Hatcher: “Turn that shit off!”

Lupul: “Yeah, chicks don’t dig bums.”

Richards: “Seriously.” (He and Lupul share a fist bump.)

Lupul: “We could listen to ‘Joy to the World.’” (singing along with Richards) “You know I love the ladies! Love to have my fun…”

Marty (shouting over the din): “This could be the end of the road for us!”

The radio abruptly turns off, courtesy of a scowling Hatcher. The room quiets down and music wafts in from the Pens locker room across the hall.

Evgeni Malkin: “I can show you the Cup. Shining, shimmering, splendid! Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder. Over, sideways, and under, on a magic playoff run! A whole new world! A new fantastic point of view! No critics to tell us no, or where to go, or say we’re only dreaming!

Sidney Crosby: “A whole new world! A dazzling Cup I never knew! But when I’m way up here, it’s crystal clear that now I’m in a whole new world with you!”

Malkin (chiming in): “Now I’m in a whole a new world with you!”

Crosby: “Unbelievable sights. Indescribable feeeeeliiiiing. Soaring, tumbling freewheeling, on our way to the Cup… A whole new woooooorld!”

Malkin: “Don’t you dare close your eyes!”

The Flyers shift from shock to total disgust and begin gagging.

Flyers: “Ew, ew, make it stop, make it stop!”

Randy Jones (falling to the floor with his hands over his ears): “Ow, my ears, my ears! How will I ever get a girl if I can’t listen well?! Owwww!”

Kimmo Timonen (trying to revive Sami Kapanen, who has passed out and fallen into Timonen’s lap): “Sami, wake up Sami! We need our tiny beefcake now more than ever!”

Lupul (turning to Richards): “Girls do like Disney, though.”

Richards: “Touché. Why didn’t we think to do that first?”

Lupul: “I know, for cereal!”

Unidentified Voice: “Guys, GUYS! We’re going to be okay! Now shut up and listen!”

Silence falls over the room and everyone turns their attention to Jason Smith, who is standing on the bench with a CD in hand.

Gator: “I’ve got our secret weapon here. Just let it wash over you.”

He pops the CD into the boom box and “I’ll Make a Man out of You” from Mulan begins to play.

Gator (singing along): “Let’s get down to business to defeat the Pens. No one sent me daughters when I asked for men. You’re the toughest bunch I ever met, but you can bet before we’re through... Mister, I’ll make real men out of you. Tranquil as Bill Clement but a fire within. Once we score some goals, then we’re sure to win. You’ve been a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven’t got a clue. Somehow, I’ll make real men out of youuuuu!”

Hatcher: “I’m never gonna catch my breath!”

Lupul: “Say goodbye to girls who knew me!”

Ryan Parent: “Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym!”

John Stevens (aside to the Assistant Coaches): “This guy’s got ‘em scared to death!”

Danny: “Hope he doesn’t see right through me!”

Steve Downie: “Now I really wish I knew how to not suck!”

Flyers: “Be a man!”

Gator: “You must be swift as the skating Thornton!”

Flyers: “Be a man!”

Gator: “With all the force of Kyle hip-check!”

Flyers: “Be a man!”

Gator: “With all the strength of a raging Gator! Mysterious as the dark side of the mooooon!”

The Flyers gather together in the middle of the locker room, jumping up and down and cheering.

Flyers (chanting): “We’re gonna win! We’re gonna win!”

Gator smiles knowingly and climbs down off the bench. The rest is history.


kristin said...

wow. just wow.

Margee said...

I think the visual of Malkin and Crosby on a flying carpet is going to sustain my good mood for a while. Hilarious work.

elise said...

I am going to have Aladdin stuck in my head the rest of the night...

Nice work, ladies :)

Jess said...

Kristin, I assume that "wow" is a good thing? ;)

Margee, I bow to your comedic genius! But I'm glad you could enjoy the Malkin-Crosby imagery. Picturing them singing Aladdin songs on magic carpet made the Flyers' loss easier for me to swallow, personally.

Elise, oh my god, I've had Aladdin songs stuck in my head for the past two days! Damn you Disney, for being so catchy!

Thanks for the support, ladies!

K-Mart said...

that brought some much needed laughter to my week of depression. excellent post.

Jess said...

K-Mart, I'm glad I could brighten up your sad week! Disney plus hockey makes everything better.

Welcome to our blog!

K-Mart said...

i feel the same way about cheering for detroit... it seems dirty, but i just can't bring myself to root for the penguins.

chochotay said...

and the girls love you right back Lupul!!!...
i thought disney couldn't get any better, but throwing in some Joff? pure genious! why didn't i think of that?

Jess said...

Well, I knew you would appreciate this story, Chochotay! ;) Lupul, Danny, Disney... who could ask for anything more?