Thursday, August 12, 2010

Music to throw a jelly jar to

This may be the creepiest thing ever written... I mean, it does involve Gary Bettman, after all.

Scene: Ilya Kovalchuk is seated in a darkened room. A single lightbulb hangs down in front of his face and casts eerie shadows.

(To the tune of "Renegade" by Styx)

Ilya Kovalchuk: "Oh Lou, I'm in fear for my contract from the long arm of the law.
Arbitrator's put an end to my millions, and I'm so far from my home.
Oh Lou, I can hear you've been crying, 'KHL, leave him alone!'
Maybe I'll go back to Russia, make some rubles, and totally pwn... YEAH!"

Lou Lamoriello (who springs up out of nowhere): "The jig is up, the news is out, they're finally perceiving
The renegade who had it made miiiiight be deceiving."

Kovy: "Went around the CBA
Now I'm a UFA
I'm a wanted man..." (juggles three cell phones, with calls from NJ, LA, and the KHL)

(Enter Gary Bettman, who somehow deflects a flurry of flying jelly jars, courtesy of Lou)

Gary Bettman: "Oh GMs, you've been working this scam, and you've got me seeing red.
Lawman's gonna stop you now, front-loaded contracts will be dead.
Dear GMs, oh, we knew you were lying, hiding cap hits on your own.
Big money coming down like that, fellows? Come on, now that's just wrong.

The jig is up, the news is out, we've done our scouting!" (Throws Marian Hossa up against the wall)
"Had your Cup parade, thought you'd get paid, but the tension is mounting.
Circumvention's not okay,
Put an end to it today!
You're all wanted men!"

(In bursts the band "Arbitraitor," comprised of Chris Pronger, Roberto Luongo, and Marc Savard. They join Marian Hossa and launch into a jam session that includes what Wikilyrics terms "a face-melting guitar solo.")

All players in the band: "Oh Bettman, we're not afraid of your threats and all these so-called laws.
Chris Pronger's gonna kick your ass... You know, you don't seem very strong...

The jig is up? The news is out? You finally found us?
This hater-ade, 'cause you got 'played,' leaves us astounded.
Even if we don't stay
Until we're old and gray,
You approved it, man!"

What more can be said?

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