Sunday, November 14, 2010

Holy re-signings, Batman!

Welcome back Kotter Carter

You know that show Best Week Ever? I imagine that must be how Soph is feeling now that two of her faves have been re-signed in the span of five days! (AND David Backes, her fantasy league beloved, just signed an extension Friday, so that he can continue saving the puppies of St. Louis for another five years!) Now we can potentially see Jeff Jeffty Jeff Carter in the orange and black for not one, not two, but ELEVEN more years. Whoa, Homer, you sure love a long-term contract. When Soph texted me about this development, I nearly dropped my phone and then eloquently responded, "SRSLY?!?!"

We've had a rather rocky relationship with Jeff over the years. First, we were all indifferent to him. There didn't seem to be a huge personality lurking within all that blondeness, so he was branded "Vanilla Bean." (DISS. I'm so not a vanilla girl.) We would even scoff at the in-game pleadings to write him in on the 2009 all-star ballot. (Gosh, we were so cold-hearted!) But THEN! Then we witnessed his first ever hat trick, and a vague spark was kindled. So much so that we came home and wrote this abomination gem. Remember those stellar "Real Men of Genius" Bud Light commercials? Mr. Paranoid of the Ocean Guy? Mr. Way Too Much Cologne Wearer? Yeah, well, in April 2009, our warped minds made Jeff Carter into "Mr. Really Boring Forty Goal Scorer." (Keep in mind that this was way before "Jeff Carter Sea Isle" was an autofill option on google.) And we can only hope that he resumes his forty goal scorer-ness during the next eleven (!) years.

Narrator: "Real men of genius…"

Singer: "Reeeal men of geeeeenius..."

Narrator: "Today we salute you, Mr. Really Boring Forty Goal Scorer…"

Singer: "Mr.ReallyBoringFortyGoalScorer!"

Narrator: "The D and the fence were never intended for you. You bring the offensive heat. But after you score a goal, it’s like you’re at the library… working at the reference desk."

Singer: "Unabridged excitement!"

Narrator: "No warming up over a hot stick for you, Mr. Cool. In world of leapers and yellers, you know that a simple fist pump gets the job done."

Singer: "Simmer down, Ovechkin!"

Narrator: "You’ll never be fined for post-goal celebrations because in your world, a nod is worth a thousand words."

Singer: "Yeah, I’m awesome!"

Narrator: "If personalities were ice cream, you’d be vanilla bean. But it’s a perfect fit with your linemates: chocolate syrup and whipped cream."

Singer: "Cake batter’s overrated!"

Narrator: "So we salute you, Mr. Really Boring Forty Goal Scorer, for playing it cool in the most exciting sport. You act like you’ve scored before… because you have. Forty-plus times. And we wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself."

Singer: "Mr.ReallyBoringFortyGoalScorer!"

2 comments:

Flora said...

You two are hilarious. Great post.

Flora

Jess said...

Awww, thanks for the love! Glad you enjoyed it, even though it's not about the Sharks! :D