Sunday, November 13, 2011

Team USA's going DOWN, that's where it's going!

(It seemed fitting to borrow a line from epic trash-talker Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson for the title of this post)

This week, Slighty Sucky and Foxy Lady Byng squared off in fantasy hockey... which led to the following EPIC chain of trash texting because Soph has our mutual beloved David Backes! (Sidenote: thank god I got an iPhone back in March... my dinky little Tracfone, with its inability to turn on and off, receive picture texts, or even tell me who was texting me, would not have allowed for such trash texting!)

Me: "Oshie Koshie is my leading scorer! Mwahahaha :D"

Soph: "Et tu, Timothy?! I feel so betrayed!"

Me: "Well, I realized that I'm going to have to do the impossible this week and not love David Backes... as much!"

Soph: "Impossible!"
(barrage of enchanting David Backes pictures, including but not limited to...)





Soph: "What was that, Jess? A picture of David Backes from high school? BAM!"


Me: "You tartlette!!!!! That is dirty! Why don't you just steal the puck after each game too?! Well, Timothy Oshie will have another mugshot when he is arrested on Sunday... for kicking your ass!!!!"

Soph: "At least I'll have this attractive gentleman to console me like a lost puppy!"




Soph: "And you'll be too busy cleaning up after your un-housebroken team! David's Dogs are better trained than TJ Oshie! :)"

Me: "LMAO, I have no rebuttal for that."
(Five minutes later)
Me: "GOLDILOCKS IS GOING TO BLIND YO WHOLE TEAM."

(Sidenote: TJ Oshie looks like Ponyboy after arriving in Windrixville!
"Hey blondie! Rise and shine!" -Dallas Winston
"Pony... what happened to your tough hair?" -Sodapop Curtis)

Soph: "Your team is going to CHOKE on David Backes' draft day 'fro!" 



Me: "ZOMG, how did I not realize that the 'fro was around during draft day?! Kelly, how could you let him show up like that?!"

Soph: "I also did not realize that the fro was from 2003 until I was looking for pics!"

Me: "Are we sure that he too has not been arrested? Like Timothy Oshie, that's a dramatic hair transformation!" (Sidenote: Soph and I are convinced that TJ Oshie is a criminal mastermind because he often changes his hair dramatically, just like Johnny and Pony must do to avoid being linked to Bob's murder in The Outsiders!!! "It was self-defense, you just said! Pony and Cherry could testify to that!" Okay, I'm sorry, but I LOVE The Outsiders book and movie.)

Me: "Also, this is not the face of a man who takes Slightly Sucky seriously!"

(Sidenote: This picture is ah-mazing, and if you make it the lock screen on your phone, it is truly the gift that keeps on giving.)

Soph: "DAVID BACKES IS VERY SERIOUS ABOUT SLIGHTLY SUCKY!"


Soph: "HE BLEEDS FOR THIS TEAM!"


Me: "Suuuure..."


Soph: "HE WILL SMASH YOU!!!!"

Me: "THIS GUY??? Yeah, ok. He's gonna get me a blankie and tuck me in. And then we'll snuggle!"

David and Kelly Backes. Homegirl's a dime.

Soph: "WHAT ABOUT KELLY?!?! SHE'S A NICE GIRL!!!"

Me: "WE ARE ALL GETTING TEA TOGETHER, me and the Backes fam. I want to say hi in person 'cause she is a nice girl! Oh and while we're having tea and A CASE OF TASTYKAKES, my team will be kicking your ass!" (Sidenote: Soph loooves Tastykakes. I think she would move back to Philly to be closer to Tastykakes, not me!)

Soph: "Tea in bed??? Plus, they have 5 dogs, there's no room for you! And David Backes doesn't even know what Tastykakes are!"

Me: "Snuggling and the tea party are two separate bonding experiences that we shall embark on while Timothy Oshie and the rest of my team dismantle Slightly Sucky! HE WILL LEARN WHAT TASTYKAKES ARE. And I will bring pup cakes for the dogs! NOTHING GOES BETTER WITH PERFECTION THAN A TASTYKAKE!!"

Soph: "The Backeses are my boos and you will do no such bonding with them! Bond with Candy Corn Head!"


So freakishly accurate. Thanks, Battle of California!

Me: "Well, it IS his big season!"

The trash-texting did continue, but I think you get the idea!

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